there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
