I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
