The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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