you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I will be naked everywhere
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
