between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
