Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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