Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
