Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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