Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
All I want is dick and wine.
My bed smells like the plague
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
