my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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