Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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