well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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