her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
