apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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