I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
