What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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