im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize