How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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