I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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