I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
