I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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