spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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