Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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