I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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