I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
