I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
