Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
