There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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