I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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