Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
