he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
