Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
