I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
