I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
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I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
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He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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