I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
