the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
