It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
