I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
