i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
