Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
