I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
