did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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