I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
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to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
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my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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