I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
