I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
