I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
