I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
