The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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