You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
