this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
