just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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