Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
