the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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