Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
