I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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